The Humour of Stephen Wright When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. The judge asked: "What do you plead?" I said "Insanity. Your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaarrgghhhh!" When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. Is "tired old cliche" one? if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. Even snakes are afraid of snakes. You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. Power outage at a department store yesterday... twenty people were trapped on the escalators. I was born by Ceasarian Section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank." I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouiji board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it. I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it." One time while hitchhiking, I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets. I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies. When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was re-reading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better. I owed my friend George $25. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning, we got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper. Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... boy, were they mad! The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney... It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. I like to skate on the other side of the ice. I lost a button hole today. I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? You can't have everything. Where would you put it? I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time." My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better. I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen. If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out... Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing... I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything. Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.. One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France... She said "Cut it out". If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? I invented the cordless extension cord. I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it." Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you? When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When my son gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car... I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone. I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller. I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, "Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?". So I said, "Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.". Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." "Did you sleep well?" -- "No, I made a couple of mistakes." I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. What's another word for Thesaurus? When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." So, do you live around here often? I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air... I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy... I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go." After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short... I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in spanish. I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. I have a hobby... I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it... I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing. On the other hand... you have different fingers. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency, Notify:". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? 24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that.

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